Ad-hurts

I think I could get a job making regional TV ads in Australia. Seriously, I do. I have never seen ads quite like the ones they show on the telly here. Picture this: the ad starts and you see a shop-front. A couple then walks in through the door hand-in-hand, smiling so much you’d think they were going in to buy an engagement ring or pick up a lottery win. But the camera then focuses in on the sign above the door and it’s an estate agent. Thrilling. You then get a montage of shots of them talking to the smarmy looking agent, being shown around a house, picking up the keys, all the while smiling so hard their jaws are going to hurt for weeks. Played over the top of this is a jingle of the type that I sing to The Husband about myself . Yes, I often sing about myself, him, the two of us together, often adding in what I’m doing - “I’m cooking very nice things, yes I’m a wonderful cook, Matty is so lucky, oh I am such a great catch” – those sorts of things, and all to some spontaneously made-up tune. You can imagine how good those songs are. Well, the jingle accompanying this ad is of the same calibre, if not actually below par – my songs are at least upbeat and catchy. This is sung by a man with an incredibly annoying, whiny voice, with these inspired lyrics: “We’re the real estate people in your neighbourhood, in your neighbourhood, in your neigh-bour-hood; we’re the real estate people in your neighbourhood...” – you get the drift. You end up wanting to throw something at the TV.


Another one of our favourites is an advert persuading indigenous women not to drink, smoke or take drugs when they’re pregnant. The acting is appalling – I think they must have literally grabbed people off the street to do it. It’s so bad it’s like they’re intentionally acting like someone who can’t act. “Con-grat-u-lations. You. Are. Pregnant. That. Means. No. Drinking. Smoking. Or. Drugs.” The best part is when the expectant mother comes in for a scan (after the camera has already shown her drinking a can of JD and Coke – product placement, anyone?) and it’s bad news. “Oh. No. Your. Baby. Has. Brain. Damage. It. Will. Need. Care. For. The. Rest. Of. Its. Life.” The lack of emotion in her voice is brilliant – she’s telling a woman that her actions have permanently harmed her unborn child and it sounds like she’s just going through the motions and she’s actually thinking about what she’s going to have for lunch.

I know these companies and organisations won’t have a lot of money to splash on making a top-class ad but they can still be clever or funny (and not the laughing-because-it’s-so-bad kind of funny) or at least involve actors that can at least act half decently, even if they are pulled off the street. They are memorable, however, and at the end of the day that’s what they’re trying to achieve. It’s not necessarily good to be memorable for the wrong reasons though. I certainly wouldn’t risk stepping foot in that estate agents in case they all break out into that dreary song. “We’re the real estate people in your ...” Oh no, it’s stuck in my head now!